Questions Adult Children Should Ask Their Parents

Many adult children reach a point where they realise they don't actually know what Mum or Dad would want if their health changed suddenly. Knowing the right questions to ask ageing parents can turn an awkward, avoided topic into a caring conversation, one that protects your parents' wishes and spares the whole family a great deal of guesswork later. This is the heart of family estate planning: not paperwork for its own sake, but understanding each other while there is time.

Below are the questions we find most helpful, grouped into themes. You don't need to cover them all at once. In fact, it usually works better if you don't.

Why these conversations matter

In our experience guiding hundreds of families, the hardest moments rarely come from difficult decisions themselves. They come from not knowing. When a parent has a fall, a stroke or a diagnosis that affects their thinking, families are often left searching drawers for documents, guessing at passwords and debating what "Dad would have wanted".

Asking good questions early gives your parents a voice in their own future. It also gives you something precious: the confidence that you are carrying out their wishes rather than your own best guess.

Preparing yourself before you ask

Before you sit down together, it helps to think about your own approach:

• Choose a calm moment. Avoid holidays, hospital visits or times of family tension.
• Lead with care, not control. Make it clear you want to understand and support their choices.
• Involve siblings where you can. Shared understanding reduces misunderstandings later.
• Expect more than one conversation. A first chat might simply open the door.

If you would like ideas for opening the topic gently, our article on how to start an advance care planning conversation offers some practical conversation starters.

Questions to ask ageing parents about health and care

Health wishes are often the most important, and the most urgent, area to understand. These questions can help:

• If you became very unwell and couldn't speak for yourself, what would matter most to you?
• Are there treatments you would definitely want, or definitely not want?
• Where would you prefer to be cared for if you needed more support: at home, with family, or in residential care?
• What does a good day look like for you, and what would make life feel not worth living?
• Do you have any religious, cultural or personal values that should guide your care?
• Have you completed an Advance Care Directive, and if so, where is it kept?

An Advance Care Directive is a legal document that records future health care wishes and can appoint substitute decision-makers. Each state and territory has its own form and rules. In South Australia, for example, the Advance Care Directive replaced several older documents from 1 July 2014 and must be witnessed by a suitable witness. You can learn more on our advance care planning page.

Questions about decision-makers

Knowing who your parents trust to step in, and for what, prevents confusion and conflict. Gently ask:

• Who would you like to make health and personal decisions for you if you couldn't?
• Who would you trust to manage your money and property if needed?
• Have you put these choices in writing, such as an Enduring Power of Attorney for financial matters?
• Have you talked to those people so they know what you would want?

It is worth knowing that health and financial decisions are usually covered by separate documents. An Advance Care Directive does not cover money. If someone loses capacity without the right documents in place, the family may need to apply to a tribunal, such as SACAT in South Australia, for a guardian or administrator to be appointed. Your parents' solicitor can confirm what applies in their state.

Questions about important documents

You don't need to read your parents' private papers, but you do need to know where to find them. Useful questions include:

• Do you have a current will, and who holds the original?
• Who is your solicitor, accountant or financial adviser?
• Where do you keep important papers such as property titles, insurance policies and superannuation statements?
• Have you made binding or non-binding nominations for your superannuation?
• Is there a safe, a deposit box or a filing cabinet we should know about?

For a fuller list, see our guide to documents to organise before a crisis.

Questions about the estate and executor

Family estate planning conversations can feel delicate, especially where money is involved. Keep the focus on practical readiness rather than who gets what:

• Who have you chosen as your executor, and do they know?
• Is there anything your executor would find difficult to locate or understand?
• Are there any assets held jointly, or in other countries?
• Are there any personal items with special meaning that you would like to talk about?

Our executor preparation page explains how an executor can be supported to step into the role with confidence.

Questions about everyday life and digital affairs

Modern life adds another layer that older generations may not have considered. It can help to ask:

• Which bills are paid automatically, and from which accounts?
• Do you have a list of online accounts, email addresses and subscriptions?
• How would we access your phone or computer if we needed to?
• Are there pets, a home or a garden that would need care at short notice?
• Who are the friends, neighbours or community contacts we should let know?

These everyday details are often what families struggle with most in the first weeks after an emergency.

Keeping the conversation kind

However carefully you plan, some parents will resist. They may feel it is morbid, private or a sign that you think they are declining. A few gentle approaches can help:

• Share your own reasons: "I'd feel so much better knowing I could do what you want."
• Use a story, such as a friend's experience, to open the topic.
• Start small, perhaps with where the will is kept, rather than the hardest question.
• Write things down together so nothing needs to be repeated.

Remember that the goal is understanding, not agreement on every point. Your parents' wishes are theirs to make.

Where to from here

You don't have to have every answer by the end of one afternoon. Even a few of these questions to ask ageing parents, answered honestly and recorded somewhere safe, can make an enormous difference. If you prefer to work at your own pace, the self-guided Estate Readiness Workbook includes a document locator, financial inventory and executor readiness checklists.

Founded by Jane Rooke, a Registered Nurse with 20 years in aged care senior management, Care & Legacy Advisors is based in Adelaide, South Australia, and offers telehealth consultations nationally. You can read more about our estate readiness support, or simply get in touch. Care & Legacy Advisors are happy to go through the process alongside you.